


Dysphoria loves company

by ArsenicTardigrade



Category: Original Work
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Comfort, Crying, Dysphoria, F/M, FTM, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, Light Angst, No Smut, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, mtf, t4t
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29773881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArsenicTardigrade/pseuds/ArsenicTardigrade
Summary: Dysphoria can't always be completely alleviated. A trans woman dressing the way she'd like may make her feel like a fraud, and a trans man may never be able to let go of the idea that he will never be a man. But these two cannot exist in the same room- or God forbid, they might start comforting each other.
Relationships: Original Character(s)/Original Character(s), Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Kudos: 4





	1. Will

The moment he had woken up, Will felt sick to his stomach. It was a deep sense of grief, maybe even disgust to a degree. This wasn't an uncommon occurrence- maybe once a week he would wake up and feel the need to cry swell in his chest, the pain flowing to the front of his head. It was the painful knowledge that he wasn't born male, or rather, the fact that he was born with the sex characteristics he had. It was hard to live without something you so desperately desire, but for him, it was even harder to specifically live with what he was given.

For the majority of his life, he would suck it up, not being one to confide in others about such a sensitive subject. Transitioned in private and didn't bother asking people to refer to him as 'Will' until people couldn't deny his physical changes. But he was far from finished with his masculinizing effects. There would be a time where he would be where he'd like- married and has a loving wife, enjoying the full effects of testosterone, and undergone every viable and satisfying surgery they had available. This would not occur for many years and unfortunately for him, and many others like him, this suffering would continue for decades.

Fortunately, Will was not alone. He had someone who loved him dearly and understood how he felt, something he only dreamed of as a teenager. Having her around didn't change his dysphoria, but it made it easier to get out of bed.

Will wasn't sure when he had gotten up.. six? Seven maybe? He knew he overslept, plunging back into sleep in hopes the dysphoria would subside. But when he finally sat up, his girlfriend had already left, leaving the area to his left cold. He instinctively hunched over the side of his bed, rubbing his arms to self soothe. The worst part of dysphoria was the physical symptoms- once he was aware of his chest, it was like a weighted blanket was draped across it. Not a feeling of being touched, but instead increased sensitivity because he was so focused on its existence. You could only live with it because it was impossible to ignore. He kept his back hunched to make sure his shirt didn't touch his chest anymore than it needed to.

He reached for his phone to check the time. 8:43, quite unlike him. He ignored what little notifications he had and got up, tossing his phone back onto the bed. He wasn't sure where his girlfriend was, but she rarely leaves without telling him goodbye- that includes waking him up just to give him a kiss. He walked (or, hobbled really) to his door and opened it, looking around the corner and into their living room. Although she wasn't sitting on the couch watching something as usual, she gave a quick "Oh hey-!" from the kitchen when he opened the door. She loved to cook for him, always put her in a good mood.

He walked out of the doorway and quietly said, "Good morning honey" as he walked to the kitchen. He made sure to stay out of her way, just standing in the near vicinity. She was making muffins with some sort of fruit, he couldn't tell what exactly because they were all mixed, but he could tell she had put banana bread in the oven earlier from the sweet smell. It was his favourite snack, a very fortunate coincidence.

She didn't take her eyes off the tray of muffins, "You're up pretty late, didn't you go to bed at 10 last night?"  
He shrugged, unintentionally keeping a somewhat monotone voice. "It's not even nine yet. You're usually not up this early."  
"I'm making something, quite busy. You're busy being sleeping beauty." She glanced up at him with a teasing smile.

He stayed quiet. He always felt awfully rude when he was like this but it wasn't intentional. He was too exhausted to process a lot of lighthearted emotions, gestures, and jokes. He never put this pain onto others, but he'd quickly become the silent man in the group. He leaned against the fridge, lazily following her hands as she poured batter into the liners.

The silence must have been noticeable because Teo looked back up at Will. "Are you that tired?"  
He could have said yes. It would have been easier to live with it silently for a few days. But he couldn't- he couldn't lie to her when all she wanted to do was take care of him. "Not really. Just- shit in my head right now I guess." He shrugged again.

She set the now nearly empty bowl of batter down, moving her body to face him. She seemed concerned and kept a sweet tone of voice, trying to look him in the eye. "Sorry about that. You nervous? You look very tired, like your mind has been going a million miles an hour for the past few days. Paranoia is exhausting.."

He shook his head, "No, just ah.." he trailed off, moving his right hand around. Teo looked confused and leaned in, mimicking his hand movements.  
"Just dysphoria again. Same shit, different day." He felt his neck tighten, he hated mentioning it. Even if he didn't feel like crying, admitting that it existed seemed to bring up years of repressed emotions. "It's been getting progressively worse over the past week, but last night and- five minutes ago I guess.. have been really bad. Just. Sucks I guess."

She nodded and sighed, making her voice a bit softer. "I'm sorry Will, really am. It's not fair that you have to live with it." She rushed to take out the banana bread to cool and to put the muffins in to bake. Will continued as she did so.

"It's not fair that you live with it either. I'm still alive so it's fine. Just not feeling the best."  
She took off her mittens, very cute red ones with hearts, and set them on the counter. She stood next to him, leaning against the fridge as well and staring back at him.

"It's not fine. You may not be dead but you're still miserable, you deserve help. And I know it's not fair that I go through it too, smartass." She opened her arms to hug him, but before she could initiate it, Will pushed himself into her arms, burrowing his face into her shoulder.

He felt the tears well up in his eyes but he refused to make any noise. Teo supported his weight and began brushing his hair with her fingertips, moving from the top of his head all the way down to his back. His hair was thick and messy normally, but today it was messier than usual because he hadn't bothered to groom himself at all. He clung to her sweater, quietly crying. She only noticed he was actually crying because his back would shudder like he was hiccuping or wheezing. She whispered, "Honey, sweetie.." and "It's okay, it's alright" as he clung tighter to her.

Being comforted like this made him feel worse sometimes. Convinced himself that allowing others to comfort him was proof that he was really a woman. But he tried so hard to ignore this because there was never a time when he thought his girlfriend viewed him has female. And even now, the dysphoria was present. He couldn't stand how his chest moved as he silently sobbed, when he breathed, when he needed to move at all. Just another painful reminder, even when it was bound.

This continued for a few minutes. It wasn't soothing, but it was a release. He was the first to pull away of course and even as he did, Teo kept her hands gently clasped around his arms. He sniffled and wiped his eyes, trying to look at Teo as she spoke.

"Hey, do you want to sit on the couch for a bit? Just talk? If that's too much I can just distract you, try to make you feel a little better. God, I'm so sorry pumpkin.." Pumpkin. He smiled very subtly about that. Such a cute name.

He nodded and crossed his arms, talking as he slowly made his way to the couch. "Yeah. I guess there's not much to talk about but a little bit of both would be nice.." He looked back at her "And can.. I have some of that banana bread? If it's ready anyway, I don't know-"  
Teo nodded quickly and kept her eyes on him as she went back into the kitchen "Of course! This was for you anyway, don't worry"

Will nodded and sat on the couch, grabbed a pillow, pressed it against his stomach, and finally laid down. Teo was busy cutting up the banana bread but still talked to Will- it would be a bit awkward to just stay silent after seeing your boyfriend cry.

"How's dysphoria been effecting you recently? Just social stuff, misgendering, or is your body really bothering you?" She asked, placing the very hot pieces of bread onto a plate.  
"Only physical."  
"Testosterone has really changed you, Will. You look a lot more masculine every day, I promise-"  
Will cut her off, "Teo, I do not have a penis."  
Her tone seemed saddened, but she continued. "I know that. I'm just saying it's going to get better. You look like a guy to-"  
He cut her off again, quite the rude man. "I love you, I really do. But testosterone doesn't change my fucking chest. And it's not all about looks. Looking like He-Man would be cool, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't still hate my genitalia. I'm still female."

She sighed and carried the still hot bread to their coffee table, placing it in front of Will. She sat down next to him and Will immediately placed his head on her lap- it was routine in their house. She tilted her head back and brushed his hair. "I know Will. I know. It's all face value comments, I know it doesn't change how you feel right now."

"What am I supposed to do then. I know I have to wait but how am I supposed to cope while I do that. It's suffocating. If I can't cope while I wait to actually become some sort of man, what's the point in it? There's a point where the amount of suffering outweighs its reward if it takes two decades for the reward to come." He closed his eyes as he talked, trying to stay calm. Having her fingers run through his hair did help to soothe his nerves too.

"Usually there's not much if it becomes that much of an issue, especially if there are philosophical elements that prevent your happiness. But I am here. And I know you don't think you're a man, but you will always be male to me. I know your chest causes nothing but pain, but it will be gone in due time. When I hold you, I don't think about it. If I had to be honest, most of the time I think of an average man's chest."

"..But it's not," He said quite sadly.  
"I know it's not. But it won't be like that forever. And you won't be female forever."  
He looked up at her, reaching for a piece of bread (and trying to not get crumbs on her lap) "How so? I can't change my chromosomes."  
"Depends on the context. Sure, your chromosomes are female, I'm not denying that. But imagine you looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Imagine you suddenly woke up with a fully functioning dick too, for the sake of the argument-"  
Will chuckled, "A dick for the sake of an argument.."  
"Hush. In this scenario, you were not born with a penis. But you look like a male, function as a male. But you do not produce sperm, you're completely sterile. You have XX chromosomes, you have to take some sort of medication to stay alive- unrelated to looking male. If you want to define female as having XX chromosomes, by all means, go ahead. But practically speaking, is there anyone who would call this person female outside of a blood testing facility?"

"I guess not.." Will took another piece of bread.  
"And hell, the extra X chromosome is not functioning anyway. Maybe on a cellular level, but really, you don't judge a person by a microscope. That person is a man in my eyes. You are a man in my eyes. You may not be there yet, but you are actively trying to reach this goal and benefitting from it. When I see you in this much pain, I don't see a mentally unstable woman, I see a man. A real man who was unfortunate enough to be born this way. It's tragic, we are tragic. But we can learn to be happy. And I love you as a man, wholly and truly."  
"And I love you as a woman." He whispered, still trying to push down some tears.

"It's just hard to be dysphoric. I know you know that but it doesn't change that I dislike my body." He said, fiddling with his shirt.  
She nodded and stroked his hair again. "All we can do is focus on something else. It's not weak. Everyone does it with something, sometimes the pain is too much to bear. But I'm here, again. There's nothing to say about our sex. It exists and it is unfortunate. But we can make our surroundings a little easier to live with."

There was a pause. He sighed and reached over to hold one of her hands, talking quietly. "Thank you, I really love you."  
She smiled and rubbed his hand, "Maybe tomorrow will be better, for now, we just have to care for our current selves. I love you too."


	2. Teo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of Teo's dialogue and Will's comfort is based on conversations, ideals/dreams, and vents from MtFs posts on some image boards. I wanted to focus on something slightly different from the topics in the previous chapter. Some of the language may be dysphoria inducing, but I don't think it was terribly different from the first chapter. If anything needs changing, let me know.

Teo stood in front of her bathroom mirror, drying her face with a hand towel after spending 5 minutes or so cleaning and moisturizing it. She had a date with her boyfriend tonight, something more formal than usual that he had planned. He usually took her on more intimate or expensive dates the month following their anniversary which was now a few weeks away. She had bought a new dress recently as well and was quite excited to finally have an excuse to wear it. It wasn't necessarily fancy either- it was a black dress that went down to the middle of her calves, no layering, just well made and cute. It hung on a hook next to the bathroom door and as she dried her face, she would gaze at it and feel her stomach twist. She knew her boyfriend had already gotten ready and gave her lots of time to put herself together- it wasn't abnormal for her to stay in the bathroom fixing her hair and outfit for upwards of half an hour.

She truly had been looking forward to tonight, she really did, but the longer she tried to get ready the worse she felt. She had always hoped that the deep sense of dread and doom would dissipate when she began transitioning- which it did for sure, but that doesn't mean she didn't still have bad days. Just calling them "bad days" fails to label the degree to which her dysphoria affected her during these episodes. She would move her eyes away from the dress and onto her hands, shoulders, or arms and absolutely lament over them again and again in her head. She wished it was as poetic as feeling like a "woman in a man's body", but all she felt is that her skin was a prison made of flesh, but there was no one inside. The distress it caused made her head swim- before she transitioned, all she wanted was to break every bone in her body because of how much pain it caused her. She was certainly better now but acknowledging her progress didn't make her dysphoria go away.

She set the towel down and leaned over the sink, closing her eyes as she hid her head in her hands. She wanted this date. She wanted to see her boyfriend, tell him how handsome he was. But as her hands began to shake, she wasn't completely sure if she was going to be able to leave this bathroom. She moved her hands down her body and gave herself a hug, keeping her eyes tightly shut as she stood straight up. Touching her own arms was a painful experience. Despite how soft her skin had become after being on AAs for so long, she couldn't stop thinking about it as a man's arm. Every movement, every god damn breath, felt like someone was shaking her and telling her she was delusional. She didn't want to cry- she was NOT going to let herself cry.

Teo reached for the dress and held it in front of her, trying to imagine what it would look like. It was so form-fitting, which at the time was the main reason she bought it because she knew how much Will liked that sort of thing. She stared at herself in the mirror and felt as her stomach got tighter and tighter- she was glad she hadn't eaten anything in the past hour or she would probably vomit. She watched her hands quiver and only panicked more, worried she looked like a boy when she cried. The image of being a 'man in a dress' was something that would haunt her to her god damn grave. The idea that dysphoria was remedied by simply a change of wardrobe failed to account for the fact that wearing ill-fitting clothes only emphasized the body you had.

She finally set the dress down on the counter and began to cry, gripping her baggy shirt for comfort as she sobbed. She wished she was a little quieter when she cried but all of her emotions seemed to pour out in an instant.

It was only a few seconds before there was a knock on the door. Will stood on the other side and tried to open the door, but she had locked it long ago. It was quite muffled, but he spoke in a clearly concerned tone "Teo? Honey, please open the door, are you alright?"

"Just- give me a minute, please" She pushed her words out through her sobs and rubbed her eyes.  
"Open the door, Teo. You don't have to clean your face up, just open the door" he said and tapped his hand against the door.

She didn't want to worry him any more than she already was. She turned around and unlocked and opened the door, still crying as she averted her eyes from his. Will didn't try to force her eye contact onto him, but instead crouched a bit and cupped her face so he could look at her. As horrible as she felt, it was nice to feel his warm hands against her face. He quietly hushed her, rubbing his thumb against her cheek as she tried to stop sniffling. "What's wrong sweetheart, please tell me why you're crying" He spoke very quietly and brushed her hair away from her sweaty face.

She only shook her head, biting down on her lower lip as she continued to sob. It's not that she was afraid to tell him, but explaining how she felt would only make the emotions become more overwhelming. Will wasn't sure if it was best to push her on the issue just yet, so he brought her closer and gave her a hug, continuing to hush her. She reluctantly accepted the ug, lying her head on his shoulder but kept her hands to herself. It was comforting to be held, it's like she was being protected by someone she really loved. But she was so distressed that she just wanted to curl up against herself- and moving her arms would only make her think about if they were feminine enough to be holding Will. She hated dwelling on shit like this when she was upset, she just wanted to accept the help and feel better about herself. If only it were so simple.

Will kissed the top of her head as he held her, running his fingers through her long hair. They stayed like this for a few minutes while he silently rocked from side to side to try and soothe her. Will was pretty good at seeming cool and collected when she was this upset, but deep inside he was losing his mind because he had no idea how to help her or why she was even upset. Teo slowly gained her composure, moving from a heavy sob to little sniffles. She looked up at him and whispered "Sorry," and took a step back. "Didn't mean to cry on you before a date.."

He looked at her in utter confusion, but he maintained the same concerned voice "Who gives a shit about some date- Teo, why are you crying? You don't need to feel sorry for crying for god's sake."  
She nodded, at least recognizing that she was being too harsh on herself, and wiped her eyes. "I got really dysphoric, that's all. The dress I got just made it worse.. worried I'll just look like more of a man if I fucking wear it."

"You don't look like a guy at all- you look like such a cute girl! You'd just look like a woman on a date, just like everyone else-"  
"I feel like a fuckin man. And you're my boyfriend, of course, you'd think I look like a girl" She crossed her arms and sniffled again, holding back any more tears as her lip trembled.

He sighed and wiped one of her tears away, taking a moment to think before he spoke again. "You really do look like a girl. If you didn't, I wouldn't lie to you to get your hopes up. I know how horrible it is to feel like you're not a girl though. I know it hurts and I know it's exhausting. Try to relax though. We don't have to go anywhere, I'll sit with you until you can sleep. Until then.. we can just talk if you need to. I'm really sorry."

As much as she appreciated the gesture, she couldn't help but feel a bit bad for somehow 'making' him take care of her. But it sounded a lot nicer to just sit on the couch for a bit, so she nodded and said "Sure.. please hold me though. It's nice I guess."

Will said "Of course, of course!" and lead her to the couch, sprawling out on the far left with his arms open. She sat down next to him, moving into his arms and curling up when he put his arms around her. It certainly was cozy- her boyfriend kept his legs around her, not necessarily holding her, but it maintained a feeling of being surrounded. Warm and safe.

He started playing with her hair, almost braiding it only to let it go loose again and combing it out with his fingers. He knew there wasn't much he could do, it was one of the worst aspects of dysphoria. Sometimes when you felt like shit, there was absolutely nothing you could do. You're simply told to either live with it or wait another ten years until you can afford a surgery only a handful of people ever receive. You can exercise, be in a loving and healthy relationship, and hold a job just like any other person, but you'll still think of suicide because of dysphoria. They were both completely aware of this, so it was common for them to just lie in silence. Watch a movie, cuddle, all just distractions.

After a few minutes, he asked "Is there anything specifically that's bothering you? I know baseline dysphoria can't really be helped but you mentioned being paranoid that you'll look like a man."  
"It's that and more. It's one thing to not pass, but it's just something totally different if you clearly look like you are trying to be a woman when you are not. And I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it just stopped there, but people really start thinking you're some kind of pervert or something. I feel like a fucking fraud. I feel disgusting." He let out a wavering sigh and held onto his coat.

"You're not a fraud for changing yourself for the better. It's for your own health," He said.  
"That doesn't change how much of a fucking freak I am-"  
Will cut her off, "Teo, you're not a freak, you're a very sweet girl. You're not delusional, you're making an effort to look like a girl, and again this is all for your health. You've never been a freak, even before you passed."

She paused for a moment, taking in his words. "I know.. but I still don't feel like a woman. I'm not a normal girl. You know that, everyone around me probably also knows that."  
"But you are a woman. I know you don't feel like that right now, but you are a woman." He kissed the top of her head and held her closer, moving his hand up to her neck and down her back. He continued, "I know there are still so many things you want to change. Or, really just one major thing. I know it hurts, I know it's hard transitioning. Voice training, hormones, constant physical changes.. I know it's hard to feel like a woman. And we do have to admit it's not normal. But abnormalcy is not disgusting. It's not common to be gay, colourblind, or allergic to peanuts, but none of those things are wrong."

She sighed, "That's not the same Will.."  
"I know that! It's just a silly example. I just don't think it's the best to think about yourself in relation to normalcy. Being trans is not normal, but it's not wrong. And you are a woman. You're such a sweet girl and I'm sorry you have to do so much to feel like one. The best we can do is cope with our dysphoria. It's unfortunate that you weren't born with the body you deserve, but it's getting better. And you truly do look like a woman. You are a woman- you can argue that you might not have always been a woman, or that you can't change many aspects of your sex, but it's all arbitrary. I see a woman in you. When people look at you, they do not see a man trying to be a woman. They just see a girl- a normal girl. A girl that has the same needs as everyone else. You need food, water, and love. And I'm sorry if other people may say otherwise."

They had been locking eyes as he soothed her, Teo's distraught expression slowly fading to at least a neutral one as he spoke. He leaned in to give her a soft kiss on her forehead and moved his hand down to hold hers. He rubbed his thumb over her hand, "This is a woman's hand. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but it truly is. You have soft, delicate, feminine hands."  
He moved his hand up to her arm and slowly dragged his fingertips across it, "This is a woman's arm. You have such soft skin, and I don't think of a boy when you press up next to me. I think of a woman I love dearly, someone I want to take care of."

Finally, he let his hand rest on her outer thigh. He didn't move it too much, in fear it would come off as sexual or trigger her dysphoria, "And You have feminine legs. They're not broad or manly, they're elegant and soft. They're normal, and they wouldn't make you look weird if you wore a dress. You do not have manly feet, you have womanly calves, your thighs are soft curvy, and your hips make you look so cute. But above all, they are not disgusting. They are normal, truly normal and healthy. I know that once having masculine features makes you worry that you might still have them, but I promise I don't see them. You have a feminine body. I know there are some things that you still want to change, and I'm not trying to say these don't exist. But it doesn't matter right now. In due time, they will go away. For now, we just have to wait. And you're still a woman, Teo."

She smiled very faintly and nodded, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you.. I really love you Will." She wanted to say more, but all of it seemed unnecessary. The date was out of the question, but it's not like they couldn't just go out in a few days. Will smiled, "I love you too. You're probably pretty tired- do you want me to make you some dinner so you can get some sleep before it gets too late?"  
Teo nodded and sat up a little, finally letting go of his shirt. "I'd love that, just as long as you sleep next to me."


End file.
